I’ve never in my life encountered anyone who has purchased a book because of how the author looks, and I know a lot of shallow people. Yet, publishers insist on photos accompanying their book jacket sleeves, thinking it will help increase sales. It doesn’t.
So I’ve decided expand on this, and I’ve given several different types of bad published writer photos:
1) The Pretentious Asshole. 
One cannot forget the power in a pair of glasses, and standing before a library of books one has yet to open to evoke the feel that we are dealing with A SERIOUS WRITER. These types will often have multiple epigraphs to begin their works (even for their haiku- go figure), culling from writers like Schopenhauer, Baudelaire, and Goethe as well as other writers they know little about. Nowadays, one need not read anything to be a writer- quoting is much more important, even though you don’t know what any of it means. But to make this work, one must begin all sentences with a mild chuckle, and say things like, ‘Baudelaire is the father of the Modern Novel,’ even though you don’t know who the hell Baudelaire is or even that he didn’t write novels, or that to claim one be the ‘father’ of an object deserves an ass beating. It doesn’t matter. Most people won’t know what you are talking about anyway and they’ll just nod and agree out of risk of seeming like the dipshits they are for not calling you on it. Also, it’s important to talk about how well traveled you are, and about all the poverty you’ve seen, and ‘how awful it all is,’ all the while whining with your fellow Ivy League brats at a late night at Starbucks over Java Chip Frappachinos.
And when all else fails, look deep in thought.
When I was in Germany, I pondered the poverty of the world while losing my Lederhosen after wetting myself…
Nothing evokes ‘poetaster’ better than the side profile.
2) The Grinning Idiot.
Nothing says sycophant like the smiling dipshit on the back of a book’s cover. This photo is out of focus, but I think it represents the state of mind one needs to be in to not only agree to have a photo as shitty as this on the back of your shitty book, but any moron who would actually purchase a book with a photo like this on the back would have to be in a state of lunacy. Normally these types consist of middle-aged men and women who are not young and hot enough to be Literary Whores and not pretentious enough to be Pretentious Assholes. Most of the time they are still assholes, and still pretentious, but they aren’t honest about it and try to cloak it with their shit-eating grins. Basically they are asking for you to forgive them for being so stupid.
3) The Literary Whore.
Then there is always the young attractive women (and men) who pose as though they are not only in mid-orgasm, but as though purchasing their books will deliver the erection of the century. Then when one asks what editor/agent they had to sleep with to get their piece of shit published, they get offended by such frankness. Go figure. Terribly annoying and PC, they are pretty much those who could not land a movie career in Hollywood, or make it on American Idol, and so they are just trying this writing thing out for kicks till they can become porn stars. (But they continue to practice a lot in their spare time. Networking that is. Why, what were you thinking? Pervert).
To Go From Skank...
To Über Skank...
4) The Aging Hipster aka “The Badass From White Suburbia”.
This guy thinks he’s cool even though he’s in his mid-fifties and still dresses like a clown. His objective is to come across as ‘hip’ and ‘cool’ wit dem younger folk yo! All the while trying to disguise how bad his dandruff really is.
With these types, (for I can't speak about that particular one lest be yelled at) it’s all ‘bout bein’ against ‘da man’ even dough he’s the first one to sniff out the asscrack of any government organization offering him a fellowship. He bitches ‘bout how bad it is there are poor people yo, and how tough dem streets of white suburbia are even dough he’s chillin’ wit his six-figured salary from some university stupid enough to hire him to teach creative writing, as though he knew anything about creativity, yo! ‘cause if he did, he’d start by thinking up a better image for himself, yo!
So hopefully I have convinced you, by way of this exercise, not to purchase books with terrible photos as these, and why soemtimes it's not such a bad idea to really judge a book by its cover.
Personal Disclaimer*** All idiots receive equal amounts of mockery and I do not discriminate against any particular type by mocking any less than what is deserved***
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